Four Common Problems I See in Marriages

Working as a marriage and family therapist, I get a unique view into marriage every day.  The severity and intensity of a couple’s problems I work with range from “we get along really well but need to work on communicating better with each other” to “I hate my spouse for what they’ve done to me and I never wanna see them again.” Some couples are committed to making things work at any cost while others are hanging on by a thread and view me as their last hope. (*Side note-if you’re putting your hope in me, prepare to be let down! I can’t fix your marriage, but Jesus can!*)

There are multiple reasons a couple finds themselves in such a predicament that they end up seeking out my assistance.  Affairs, abuse of some sort, getting too busy with life and work or disagreements on how to parent their children are all common causes why husbands and wives find themselves sitting on my couch.  But WHY do those issues happen? What causes these struggles to develop in the first place? In my observation and experience, it’s often due to one (or all) of the following problems…

Problem #1: Communication
It never fails-every single couple I work with will admit they have communication problems.  Whether it’s a lack of it or poor quality of it, communication is a common culprit for conflict in marriage.  When it comes to the lack of communication, most couples acknowledge they spend more time scrolling on their phones or watching TV than they do communicating with each other after work.  Others chalk it up to being so exhausted by the time they come home from work and take care of their kids that they don’t have the energy to talk.  While that is understandable, it can lead down a slippery slope, because a lack of communication creates emotional distance.  Read that again:

“A LACK OF COMMUNICATION CREATES EMOTIONAL DISTANCE.”

It’s hard to feel connected to somebody if you’re not talking to them, right? This can then also lead to a lack of physical intimacy in the marriage, which causes even more problems.  Communication really is the strongest link (besides Jesus) that keeps couples feeling connected.  I’ll often tell couples this statistic-a study done by the University of California in 2009 showed that couples spend an average of 35 minutes a week talking.  35 MINUTES!!! There’s 168 hours in a week and couples spend not even a full hour talking to each other?!  That’s pretty crazy.  Granted, the study only consisted of 30 couples living in Los Angeles, but I feel those statistics could most likely be extrapolated to a wider demographic.  Especially since that study was done in 2009-before smart phones were were commonplace and sucking up a lot of our time.

For the quality of communication, I could write a whole blog post on this point alone, but what I’ve deduced is that this is more of a societal issue.  Point blank-people don’t know how to effectively communicate with each other.  We communicate with the intent to prove our point instead of to understand the other person’s perspective.  This creates a verbal boxing match where the one who’s able to outlast or knockout the other is declared the “winner.” In my opinion, that situation doesn’t lead to a winner-it leads to two losers because when you’re married, you’re not opponents-you’re playing for the same team. 

Problem #2: The Roommate Dynamic
Because a lack of communication creates emotional and physical distance, the tone of the relationship shifts from being lovers to being roommates.  One of the biggest problems I see in marriages is that they’ve lost the friendship part of their relationship.  What do I mean by that?  Before you ever became husband and wife, you were fiancé and fiancée.  Before you ever became fiancé and fiancée, you were boyfriend and girlfriend.  And before you ever became boyfriend and girlfriend, you were friends.  The best of friends!  At least, you should have been.  If you’re not married to someone who you’d say is your best friend, that’s a huge red flag!

Every marriage needs to keep the friendship part of their relationship alive.  That means having FUN with each other! Think about the things you did when you first started dating and keep doing those things! Go out to dinner and a movie, ask each other get-to-know-you questions, show an interest in each other’s hobbies and don’t be afraid to be silly and dumb around each other!  I can say that’s one thing my wife and I have continued to do well in our 10 years of marriage-be silly and act like idiots together!

Problem #3: Family Hierarchy is Out of Whack
I see this a lot-couples prioritizing their kids over each other.  Sometimes they even prioritize their kids over God! This is a sure-fire way for conflict to develop within a marriage because it’s simply not the way that God designed the family hierarchy. 

Genesis 2:22-24 states: “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man.  The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

That right there shows that husbands and wives are first to submit to their creator, the Lord God, and then to each other.  Ephesians 5:21 backs this up by saying husbands and wives are to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.  Children come after that.  Also in Ephesians, Paul says that children are to obey their parents in the Lord.  Notice that it doesn’t say parents are to obey their children or seek to please their children, but that children should obey their parents in the Lord.  Far too often I work with parents who, in an effort to give their children a better upbringing than they had, give in to their kids and drop everything at all times to do what their kid wants them to do.  The kid essentially becomes the head out of the house and frequently pits mom and dad against each other.  This creates all sorts of conflict and it can be a struggle to change the hierarchy back to what it should be.

Am I saying never go out of your way to do things for your kids?  Not at all!  It is your job as parents to love them, guide them and train them up in the ways of the Lord.  Just make sure it’s not consistently getting in the way of your relationship with your spouse.

Problem #4: Lack of Spiritual Intimacy
It’s almost astounding to me how many Christian couples don’t regularly pray with each other.  I said ALMOST astounding because my wife and I were guilty of this up until 3 years ago.  For most of our marriage, we rarely prayed together-we’d pray for each other during our quiet times with the Lord but rarely came together as a couple to pray with each other.  Yes, the enemy hates a praying marriage and brings all sorts of distractions into our lives to prevent that from happening.  But that’s no excuse to not fight back against that resistance.  As the head of our household, I take full responsibility for not pushing back against the enemy’s distractions and leading my wife in prayer during that time.  Something changed in 2020, though, when a group of my closest friends got together and challenged each other to pray with our spouses nightly.  Since that time, my wife and I haven’t been perfect, but I would say 85-90% of the time we’ve prayed together at night.  And since that time, my wife and I have continued to feel more spiritually connected with each other than the first 7 years of our marriage combined!

Why does praying together create spiritual intimacy?  In my opinion, it creates an open-window into your spouse’s relationship with Christ.  As you hear them talk to God, you get a feel for how they view God and what is in the deepest parts of their heart.  It’s raw, real and vulnerable.  That’s how prayer should be! However, many couples are uncomfortable letting their spouse see that vulnerable side to them and their marriage is lacking the fear from hell as a result of it.  Be known as a couple who is feared in hell-pray together!

If your marriage is struggling in one or all of these areas, here’s my call to action:

1. Set aside time each day or night where phones are put away, TVs are turned off and you look your spouse in the eye as you talk to them.  Ask each other questions, validate their emotions and actively listen. Even doing this for 10-15 minutes a day can be helpful in sparking connection with each other.
2. ​Make fun a priority in your relationship.  Whether it’s letting your guard down and showing more of the silly side of yourself, or being intentional in having fun dates every week, make sure you’re keeping alive the friendship part of your marriage. 
3. If you feel like your kid/kids are running the house and your marriage, start making changes now!  Talk to your spouse and get on the same page to get the proper structure back in your home.  If you’re struggling to do this, seek out assistance from a therapist.  Put your spouse above your children.
4. Pray together every night.  Even if it’s only 20 seconds and a simple, “God thank you for my spouse,” you’re breaking new ground and starting down a path of spiritual intimacy in your marriage.  I really believe that nothing shakes the halls of hell like a husband and wife that pray together.  Don’t let the enemy have that territory in your marriage-fight back and resist him together.

I hope this was helpful to somebody out there.  We Christians should be having the best marriages out of all people! Don’t settle for less than what God intended your marriage to be.